Days 3 & 4 – The Journey – The Haunting – and the piss stain that is the French

In abbreviated waffled form as it was a bit of a fucking epic and I havent quite got my head round it yet.

It started at 1pm, no I tell a lie! – it should of started then but my fucking Sygic Europe Sat Nav App on my iphone suddenly decided to start acting the fuck up when I took it for a wee check going down to the chemists. So i decided to download it again and that off course took fucking ages.

While it was doing that I suddenly remembered to clear my Halifax atm card for use in Europe – I got on the phone and spoke to someone about it only for them to tell me that I had answered some of the security questions wronly and the couldnt help – however if i was prepared to fish out my latest statement ( which I couldnt as I do all my banking online! ) and phone them back they would ask security questions based on my latest transactions … so that meant going and fishing my Macbook out of my already packed car. So thats what I had to do.

Those two items alone contributed me leaving 1.5 hrs later than I planned.

Anyhow – to get to the bottom of this sceptred isle took exactly 12hrs and 20mins of what was almost constant driving. It was one hell of a fucking lonely one too. Long distance drives have that effect on me now which is a real shame because I used to ADORE driving like this. The reason being that they always seem to remind me of my ex … all those good times, all those bad times … driving with her, driving without her … going to see her, coming back from seeing her … doesent really matter waht as all it amounts to in my head is pain. And this time it was twice, nay! 1000 times worse as it involved a text exchange which I will elaborate further on in another post. (Note to self – I really need to set some of that shit about my ex down in some format – perhaps it will be lighten the load that still seems to snap me in two at the most innoportune of times … can I ever be honest about it … stick around and see!)

So the UK leg of the drive will haunt me for years to come.

Plus it was just a plain old fucking slog – and there was the added tension of – “Will I make it in time for my booked ferry across the channel?” Past Glasgow i thought I had no fucking chance but past Birmingham I checked the maps on my iphone that I just might scrape it. And I did! By three minutes. But it was a moot victory as I was hauled in for a security check – I had to pull all my bagd out of the car to get xrayed and try to convince the customs official I had a valid reason to be carrying so many knives over the border! So I missed the departure and was forced to take the next one at 4.20am.

The crossing was uneventful.

My experience of driving through a huge chunk of France? Not bad. Driving on the right didnt cause too much problems , well at least it didnt unti I had three little roundabouts right at the very end! What else … there was a spell where the air had this magnificent smell which made me sad – I had no one to share it with. The southern chunk was warm, balmy and bright and the Swiss mountains FUCKING BREATHTAKING (apart from the tunnels through them – when youre holding onto the steering wheel with a death grip through fatigue they can cause a huge disorientation  – to the point where I was sure that I was going to end up in a Princess Diana type crash) The French drive like fucking maniacs – or perhaps im just not attuned to the 130 km/h limit. Lorries are dangerous tedious fuckers to have to keep overtaking. Um …

OH YEAH! – It seems the french are freely pissing anywhere they like! I stopped at one rest area where a 5 -7 year old child just pulled down his elasicated jeans and pans and had a slash TWICE against a tree. Thats with a Public Toilet  less than 30 yards away – his parents didnt say fuck all to him. Come on tae fuck! What if a peadophile had been watching! Then about two hours later in a different rest  stop I witnessed a silver haired and smartly dressed gent get out of his car and get his junk out to piss on the grass – not behind a tree or a bush or anything – plus there was another Public Toilet staring him in his face! Fucking skanky if you ask me.

I got to my destination after 26hrs and thats with only about 3hrs break.

I was knackered.

I had to wait for a landlord to let me into my room. Its clean is the most I can say at this point.

When I got in I put my head on the pillow of my WAY TOO SOFT BED and cried.

 

There you go eh. A man in his thirties.

 

What the fuck?

Im only writing this at the moment to delay the long dark night of the soul that awaits me. Another one. How many more fucking times. Im tired of it all.

What the fuck am I going to do?

I aint gonna fucking edit, spellcheck or ponder on this post – Here it is TAKE IT!

you cunts

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