At this moment I am thinking how lazy I am with my own mental health. I procrastinate over getting my head straight or clear, whatever that means! And I think I have finally become honest enough with myself to admit what the reason for that is … Im scared of what I will find … or to be more precise, Im scared of what I wont find.
Let me try to explain.
For so long now, perhaps 2 years, my mind has been wrapped around itself in a painful knot. There have been moments when that knot has been pulled so tight that I felt that I was living from second to second in a state of terror, other times it has slackened off and I felt that I could exist from day to day in a kind of nihilistic dolour – note how I use the word EXIST and not LIVE, its important. Lately it has been at the level of a seemingly rapid tightening and loosening of the knot and I have grown to accept it. Its part of me … NO! … it is me! Its my sole defining feature – my varying degrees of wretchedness are all that I am.
This “wretchedness” contains the following in changing amounts – Anger, Hate, Self Hate, Self Doubt, Failure, Lonileness, despair and helplessness.
Wow … thats a terrible thing to admit to – especially for me who always lets people think I believe in the spirit of man and the like. ( Forget religion though … I have no truck with such shite. )
If I were to find the answer, the key, the path to freedom from all this … how to unravel the knot so to speak – what would I find?
I fear it would be emptiness.
I fear it would be a blank faced shrug in the face of life.
A great big fat fucking chunk of nothing.
Perhaps there is no me without this wretchedness?
Sure, I KNOW I have had great times, good periods – for sometimes years at a stretch … but I always default to this. Ive had to force my way out of it on 4 previous occasions. And here I am again.
A while ago I got vaguely excited by Neuro Linguistic Programming … i read the blurb, bought the books, educated myself and armed myself with the tools they prescribed to get me where I want to be … but then I hit a wall which I couldnt get round … and here it is dear reader.
For all of these NLP techniques to work … every single one of them … I needed something I didnt have.
eg You are asked to “think of a time when you were truly happy or content in the past” – Try as I might NOTHING came to mind.
eg You are asked “Think of a person you really admire” – Try as I might I came up blank.
eg You are asked “Picture in your mind an event which caused you pain” – I thought I would have no problem with this but when it came down to it the painful pictures came in such a torrent that they were indistinguishable from each other and all ultimately intertwined around my knot that it was just impossible. Id think of one but immediately had I done that another ten appeared.”
etc etc …
I came to the conclusion that the only way I was ever going to get NLP to have any positive effect is that if its creator RICHARD BANDLER gave me a consultation himself! No chance of that.
Now I have been researching Thought Field Therapy – if you dont know what it is then dont worry – it does seem that it might work on me but here I am procrastinating instead of trying it.
Im scared of being cured.