Yeah so it’s looking like its going to be another long night here at chez partanimalpartmachine.
Lying here alone and blogging this from my iPhone I am filled with such strange thoughts tonight. At this point in all our space time continuums ie right here, right now – I am not unhappy.
Whoa! … Can I just repeat myself to make sure what I wrote.
I am not unhappy.
I am many things but unhappy is not one of them. The despair seems to have left my body and I’m actually visualising how good it’s going to feel to feel good about things again. When that moment arrives I wonder if I will notice it immediately. I think not. It just creeps up on you doesn’t it.
It will happen. It must. Surely.
My ex once told me that her first impression of me was somebody who just radiated joy and confidence and it gave her a real buzz when she was at work – ( I worked with her ) – she said that she always knew when I was there in the kitchen as she could hear the laughter from the restaurant.
Christ – where is that person now? … Is he still within me waiting to come out? When he does will he be a better, stronger new improved version?
I have dug myself out of horrendous states of wretchedness in the past. I was always proud of that … You know, the inner strength I showed.
As a teenager I suffered a hellish teenage depression. I think a lot of people go through similar though. But looking back I really should have been put under a doctor so to speak. I suffered extreme social anxiety – I bunked of school for MONTHS at a stretch – I got to the stage, and I will never forget it, I actually became convinced that I was invisible. Truly invisible.
I was a hopeless case.
And because of my fractured upbringing it was allowed to continue … No family intervened, no teacher reached out, no doctor therapised me.
But – I clawed my way out of it alone. What was my catalyst back then?
It’s pure and simple – I just got fucking sick to death of being me. Being like that. It took me till my 19th year to realise that it was up to me and me alone. I made it out by the skin of my teeth.
The memory and the pride of that alone helped me drag myself out of various bouts of Alcoholism, loneliness and destitution that were to come.
And it will help me this time too.
I just need to have faith in it.
I will prevail.