I have just had a moment of clarity – well it felt like it was clarity.
I have just eaten my dinner. It consisted of two heads broccoli boiled in water, two sachets of mustard to give it flavour and a bottle of apple juice – I just can’t imbibe any more water!
I sat down alone to eat in a darkened room lit only by a table lamp. The area it lit was very sharply defined – outside of its range was just an empty void – I felt I was in a sharp shaft of light.
I ate slowly paying particular attention to the taste, texture and look of the broccoli. My mind wandered after a time and in a moment it focused itself on a multitude of events in my past, painful events, times when I felt utterly abandoned by it all.
What made me think of those times?
Definitely the dark solitude that surrounded me played it’s part … As well as the frugal nature of my dinner – I can’t afford much on food – it was a pitiful looking plate.
I managed to soothe my mind however by noticing that as I moved my arm in and out of the lit area it disappeared and reappeared.
Almost as if it existed … Then ceased to exist.
As if the only things that mattered in the entirety of existence were lit by that table lamp.
There was no door, no bed, no window …
There was no histories, no failure, no pain …
It felt liberating for a moment.
Any anguish or worry that had been present seemed to calm.
But all of a sudden it all closed in on me.
It felt that all my life had amounted to was lit by that table lamp – and it was meaningless.
It was just boiled broccoli, mustard & apple juice.
The wretchedness in me began to simmer again and I just sat in the shaft of light for a while …
Trying to figure it.
Then try to fight it.
It said to me that nothing means anything.
That all acts are futile.
I stood up and switched my main apartment light on so that the whole room was illuminated.
If I had switched off the table lamp before that then I would have been enveloped in darkness.
And something inside told me not to do that – not at any cost.