Days 29 & 30 – Hard On & Confusion.

Ahem.

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Okay lets break the last two days down … Its going to be difficult as I seem to be ploughing deeper lately … and its at times like these I find it very difficult blogging … I mean how many ways are there to convey a sense of emptiness … Ho Hum.

Anyway I must persevere with this blog as if I give up on this, I may give up on a lot more.

Okay, first point I want to bring up … and I wish to apologise for this as Im going to be very frank … What the hell is a guy in my position, with all the flux and all the chaos around him supposed to do with several uncontrollable raging erections a day?

Hmm?

Answer me that Mr Analyst? Whats the story with that? Masturbation? …

Hmmm NAH! My living arrangements are far too communal to allow it ( and Im not that much of a fan.)

A Woman? HAHAHAHA! I have promised myself off those for a good while (Even the idea of it sends shivers up my spine at the moment!) And besides – in the past I have needed to have an emotional bond before jumping between the sheets and they kinda take a little while to cultivate! Yeah … plus the language barrier yeah?

What is my brain thinking? Is it trying to give me a little nudge … just to say, “Hey there mate, dont lose sight of things! Look! – Youve still got a libido!”

Also I have started to notice how attractive I find women.

STOP IT RIGHT NOW BRAIN … you got too much shit to deal with to get sidetracked now!

Is it love I yearn for … the type between man & woman (or whatever other human combination)?

I hate to admit it but I would find that a helluva lot more useful than a big serving of lust at the moment.

But no, I dont want it.

Its true.

I think love is like a big bright multicoloured beach ball … at the start, almost bursting with air and full of bounce … but after getting kicked around and played with and lost in the dunes countless times – it deflates, it loses shape, it looks tatty. It loses the ability to bounce … almost in the same way that sometimes people lose the ability to love.

And thats me.

I have lost the ability to love.

And as I broadcast that most sentient of sentiments out into the internet and before a legion of women swoon and faint with disappointment, I must tell you details of these  last two days –

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I have found the classic old movie “THE OMEGA MAN” on my hard drive. This pleases me.

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I have found a documentary called “THE BRIDGE” on my hard drive. This pleases me also.

I intend to watch them one after the other later tonight in the hope that they will provide some kind of visual cocktail to assuage my being. One is about being the last man alive on earth. The other is about suicide.

Thats a big fun sandwich right there eh people?

Oh! My struggle with the French language continues. I had another class. An englishman there proved himself not to be such a tosser as I originally thought. Oh! I am also now convinced that the teacher is absolutely ridiculously attractive.

Ho Hum.

Is there anyway out of this condition?

You know! … That one! … Yeah! The Human Condition!

Well is there?

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