The who’s, the why’s and the what for.
Firstly, The title of my blog comes from the Rollins Band song Hot Animal Machine.
“Looking at the bottom, What do I see?
I see the bottom, staring back at me.
You have to be part animal part machine.
If you take a good look around,
You’ll see what I mean.”
Secondly … Me … I am a Scotsman who has reached his 30s and over the last year or so my life has spun out of control. The end of a long term relationship and the sudden realisation that I hated my life living and working as a chef has led me down paths that I never thought I would be stumbling blindly along at this, or any other point in my life. Loneliness, confusion, fear and extinction have been my only bedfellows of late. I will most likely expand and blog on these points.
Stories eh? … We’ve all got them.
Lastly, the aim of this blog is hopefully to chart some kind of progress, vent my spleen and possibly connect with others.
Thats enough of an introduction.
Forever Onwards.
Part Animal Part Machine 
Just want to drop a note to say hi, been enjoying your blog all along. You’re living some people’s dream, you know. 2 things that most people want to do the most are live in a foreign country and learn a foreign language, but I dare say, that’s not as easy as they think! Dreams vs. reality check. I admire what you’re doing with your life, moving ahead and learning. Love your new theme! Oh, and as for those delicious photos of food you keep showing- any chance of the recipes to go with them? And all those people who seem to have life by the balls? They’re just Great Pretenders!!
Wow! … Hey, Thank you for taking the time to comment – it means a lot. And you have got me thinking too! Yes, I suppose I do need to have a little bit more perspective. Part of the reason behind this blog is just to record these battles I have – I KNOW DEEP DOWN that in many respects Im lucky as I dont have anybody else to rely on and I can make sweeping changes in my life without fear of hurting others – some people yearn for that freedom. On the flip side though its part of a humans nature to search out things that tie them down … we feel a need to have partners, children, careers etc. Whenever I am thinking “The grass is greener on the other side” (which is often at the moment) – I need to analyse things more. And your comment has helped me do that this morning (which is often the worst time of day for me!) Thanks again.
Thanks for liking my post (even though is my wife’s account – look for me at stephenormsby.wordpress.com). My beautiful wife did me the favour of looking you up for me and let me say that I know exactly what you are going through. But please do not give up. If you would like to talk please yell. I am happy to talk. Stephen.
Thanks for the visit and comment Stephen … I may just yell out to you too! Thanks
I’m enjoying discovering your blog, and reading. I connect with a lot of what you’re saying. I’ve been there.
Its good to know that someone out there connects with some of what I write. “Ive been there” are 3 words that I never hear … how could I when I never discuss whats inside. I only write about it here – So to see them written in a comment means a great deal. I just hope that one day I will be able to write “Ive been there” instead of “Im still there”! Anyway, many thanks for your comments Dawny Sunshine.
So, you started to follow my blog, thanks….I came here to check you out. I’m new at this, but I’m fairly sure that’s the polite thing to do. Wow! Are you serious? I keep reading and reading and I can’t relate….but then I can, and I don’t want to. Fuck! You’re like a train wreck, compelling, yes, but is it only because it makes me feel good that I’m not on the train. You’re interesting, your life is interesting. I like that. You write well. I like that. You’re intelligent. I like that. In the little I’ve read here so far, you’ve made me think of things I don’t want to think about….like the fact that I’m broke and the guy I’ve been seeing dumped me last week….and I even like that. …the hardest button to button. I know that’s from a song, I can’t remember which, but I could sing it. I guess I’m trying to say ‘nice blog’. Oh, yeah…one last thing, Henry Rollins showered at my place once and he flooded my bathroom. True story….
Hi Alex … thanks for having a read and writing a comment. I stumbled upon your blog and really enjoyed the post regarding hiking then I read on and enjoyed the rest too!
I must admit your comment has kinda played on my mind today. I have never been called a train wreck before! But yes I see your point. I am being serious when I post … sometimes embarrassingly so. Everything is kinda in a state of flux for me – like it has been a few times before. But I internalise a lot of it … if you were to meet me in the street you wouldnt (I hope) think that I was a soul in peril. You may think im a little askew or different … but thats just me.
Its kinda made me glad that what I wrote you found compelling and made you think a little bit … its also made me wonder what my real motives of writing this down are. I think I will have to think further and write a post on it.
I want to thank you deeply for the comment as it has meant a lot to me … and ‘meaning’ is something im finding to be rather scarce of late.
Rollins showered at your place????? OMG. How did that come about???? Needless to say I am utterly fascinated. I pretty much attribute “The End of Silence” to pulling me from a very dark place a long while ago.
Stories eh? We’ve all got them.
Best Regards x
I’m glad I made you think, and if I made you think enough to post about it that’s even cooler. You’ve definitely made me think, whether I like it or not. I’m in a state of flux as well, but that’s a good thing. Stagnation is a bitch.
I admire your courage.
Hey thanks Alex, i never really saw my current situation as being the result of a courageous act … more like I was an injured dog, sick with hunger, stuck in a corner and being tormented by evil – I lashed out and broke free in an act of desperation. But thinking about it, and stripping it down layer by layer … perhaps there are traces of courage to be found. One of my favourite quotes in relation to this is from Winston Churchill …
If you are going through hell, keep going.
Dude- whatever doesn’t kill you yet, makes you stronger. cliche but true. our subconscious always knows what needs to be done before we are even aware of it- you did not survive through the first month for nothing. looking forward for the next few months’ entries.
Yeah perhaps … me “escaping” like I did felt very instinctive – so perhaps that is my subconscious at work after all. Thanks for the comment – been flipping through your blog and really enjoying the way you write and see things!