I Sketch Therefore I Am (in need of help)

I dont know what it is.

I seem to sketch, doodle, scribble one hell of a lot lately.

I never used to do that. I have no artistic ability or leanings whatsoever … this is a fact that I am completely aware of.

But I dunno , it just seems to spew out of me … particularly faces at the moment.

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Now I know I could never draw faces AT ALL before and Im not great at it now either … but somehow im beginning to be able put shit together.

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This is a very minor achievement of sorts … as I am and always have been envious of artistic people.

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Hmmm … very strange no?

In Which I Feel The Warmth Of Christ … Um, no but really!

So all in all since I have been away from this blog, all 16 days! … it has been pretty much business as usual … yip – disappointment, existential angst, fear, trepidation … the usual heady brew!


OHHH! … perhaps I should blog a little about xmas … Oh Christmas, youre such a bloody awful day for some arent you!

So there I was, picture the scene, a lone figure walking the freezing cold, but strangely lacking in snow, streets of Geneva on Christmas Eve.

What was I doing?


Well I was quite simply staying away from the wretched fucking loneliness of my apartment.

The thought of returning to it … that drive ….that walk … those stairs … that key in that door and that awful wave of isolation, the one that pulls one under as one sits down by the window knowing that not another living soul out there is thinking of oneself. Terrible. Terrifying. Terror.


Sorry … its just lost soul that I am!

It got to about 10.30 pm and somewhere in my mind a tiny thought began to form … perhaps a nice warm bar eh? Just a little tipple? You never know what might come of it! …. and before I knew it was decided … Thats it! Fuck It! Im gonna get hammered, Im gonna get smashed, Im gonna drink like one used to drink … Jump off the Wagon with a Smile and welcome that Sweet Oblivion … I just needed to find a bar.

My internal sat nav switched on and changed direction towards the old town … pretty sure there was an Irish Themed Bar there … so off I marched.

In the distance, at the end of the street I saw candles lit on the ground … so I kinda gravitated that way and found them to be at the doors of huge church.

Then it struck me – Midnight Mass …  Shall I?


Yeah why not, so in I went and the place was full. I found a place quietly and watched and listened intently. If only these idiots knew that I was a heathen athiest they would lynch me I thought. But then my thought changed very quickly as the man beside me gave me a warm smile and shook my hand during a moments break in the service. No! – They wouldnt lynch me I realised, they would just be kind and gracious towards me.

Having never been in a church for this kind of thing I didnt understand what was going on – plus it was in French obviously! But I respectfully enjoyed the singing which was glorious and the spectacle of it all – needless to say I didnt take the blood and body of christ as it were. No I just stood where I was as nearly all the other attendees filed down the passageway to the front. I wasnt made to feel uncomfortable in the slightest.

It finished about 12.45am and I began to make my way out … but as I got outside I noticed the candles on the ground had been moved and they formed a chicane that led into a huge house to the left … so I just followed the throng in there.

It was a massive room, people were serving hot chocolate and a cold buffet was laid out. When I saw the hot chocolate I was strangely relieved – from a distance I thought it had been hot wine … somehow all of a sudden I didnt want to break my sobriety. As I stood there completely alone I realised I wasnt feeling so bad.

I was amazed at all the people … particularly the young people. A man in his early twenties approached me, he had been conversing with some females in front of me. He introduced himself and I quickly told him that my French wasnt that great and immediately he switched to perfect English. I talked to him for 30 mins.

I told him A HELL OF A LOT, everything really. But with a particular emphasis on the solitude, the alcohol and um … the complete lack of faith in religion that I have.

I told him that I was kind of embarrased to be there and that I was frightened that if one of the priests shook my hand either he or I would burst into flames … he found that highly amusing … he told me that he was part of a youth prayer group … they were there to stay up all through the night and offer further prayers in the church.

I was a little freaked out about how good I felt to be speaking to him … but then I got very uncomfortable.

It wasnt him, it wasnt the others – it was just my head.

I couldnt help thinking why cant they subtract all the god stuff from this but keep the sentiment, the feeling, the warmth.

I had felt calm in there.

And then I left.

And I walked miles to my car.

And I drove back.

And I walked up those stairs to my apartment.

And I opened that door.

And I sat at that table and I looked out that window into that darkness.

And I fell asleep with my head cradled in my hands and dreamt of nothing.

Merry Christmas Mr PartAnimalPartMachine

Day 59 – in which I play the hero ….


And I mean wow!

I have finally managed to gain internet access after a 16 day forced sabbatical.

It turns out that the wifi router in my building wasn’t configured properly – I found this out quite easily after BEGGING my landlord for the opportunity to look at it myself. I was tired of being told that an “expert” had been called out and apparently his prognosis of the problem was so dire that he recommended a new internet provider would be needed.


It took a hair-raising moment on a dodgy ladder climb up to the roof-space and perhaps a 10 minute fiddle about with the actual router to get it working.

It attracted a fair bit of attention as I climbed down as ALL the residents were looking across – no doubt they were as internet desperate as I. When the lights flickered correctly on the router, there was a 10 second delay and I am sure I heard the cheers of a few residents when their connections came on.


Me the hero for once.

Not one of them hung around to thank me though.

Thanks fellow humans.

Anyway … I gotta a few posts to put up and a few comments to reply to, they aint gonna be in any tight chronological order though but what ya expect! … Onwards!

One for the lovers, the loved and the carefree,

So I was out roaming aimlessly around yesterday and I managed to pick up a pretty strong free wifi signal. Obviously this pleased me no end and I immediately sat down on a bench outside the art museum and wrote a blog post – it took at least ten minutes – and then by mistake deleted it. I was a little bit peeved at that.

Anyway – heres what I kinda wrote …

Its a big weekend in Geneva. Its something called L’escalade and its a celebration of, and I REALLY generalise here, when a woman protected Geneva by throwing a pot of hot vegetable soup out of her window onto the invaders below … Hmmm – Go Figure. Its a tradition to have replicas of the pot made from chocolate and filled with marzipan vegtables and blah, blah, blah.

Theres also lots of processions and parades and re-enactments and blah, blah, blah.

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Really great stuff in fact … if thats what float your boat. Dont get me wrong I am normally very interested in history, culture etc … but lately it is only my future that is concerning me. Sorry to be such a misery guts.

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But hey! … as you can see its a great time for all you families out there …. all you lovers out there … all you humans with purpose out there.

Yeah great time for all of those kinds.

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Even catching a wee sight of Genevas famous water fountain from the lake there … you see it?

Yeah … great day for you lot.

Needless to say … it made me ponder a lot.

My mind just couldnt seem to find any solace … no, not solace even – it just couldnt register anything.


I lifted my head from my ponderous stroll and was given the answer by sheer fortitude herself …

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Yip … there it was.

On the back of a signpost near the bustop I had to use.

Silly eh.

But … It touched me very deeply.

I mean … it was even written in english.



By partanimalpartmachine Posted in Diary

Chicken Jalfrezi for the Soul

Wow … Im still feeling the scorch of those blisteringly awful and honest scrawls from my moleskine that I have just published … Here is a man who stood up ( to not giving a fuck )

I shall send a prize to anyone who can pick out the movie reference there … honest guv! … I will!

Anyway, yeah, so the other day I was pretty much squirming around inside myself (as those scrawlings demonstrate) and I kinda began to think that it may have something to do with me being on an almost steady diet of nothing for a LONG time.

I suddenly found myself in a butchers buying half a chicken and then a deli buying all the other shizz I needed for one of my favourite dishes – Chicken Jalfrezi (I was shown how to do it while temping as a chef in an Indian Restaurant near Swindon, UK)

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It took about 2.5hrs to simmer down so it was a long wait but I watched it pretty much constantly ( watching food cook is a hypnotising process for me ).

Jesus it was good to have my own food again.

I had it with salad as I didnt really want to spend any more on starches like rice and potatoes.

It lasted me two days but I blasted the food budget for almost two weeks on it.

Shoot me down if you want … but I damn well needed it.