Bang!

Holy fucking shit!

What kind of bomb has gone off inside my mind tonight.

How can I possibly express it to anyone so that the destructive force of it is felt?

My inarticulate soul.

My mute despair.

I’m cut off from myself because between my thought and my expression there lies a brick wall!

Blah Blah Blah.

Poor little pathetic man.

I’m such a meaningless cunt … If it was a MIND BOMB why didn’t it destroy that BRICK WALL. And in what way does a wall lie?!

Blah Blah Blah.

But one thing I know for sure though – the state of mind that I find myself in has inspired great art, literature, music etc in some.

But in others it has been the secret whisper, only heard by the truly wretched soul, to tie that noose to the rafters and get it the fuck away with themselves.

At this point while writing this, I am reminded of a relation of one of my mothers friends. Apparently this man who was in his 50’s, had a healthy marriage, children and grand-children, a good job and great amounts of respect etc etc … Told his wife he was going upstairs to have a shower and roll some cigarettes, his wife later shouted up to him to roll her a few as well and he replied “ok”. After not appearing from the bathroom for ages she went up to investigate – and there he was – hanging. naked by an electric flex wire from the bathroom door. No note. No fuck all.

Now that intrigues me. What was it that came over him? Why there? Why then? Was the urge so overwhelming and sudden it couldn’t be denied? Could he really have been that pissed off about having to roll his wife more fags again???!!! I jest!

But

If he could’ve just explained it to someone … To just get it off his chest … To share it etc.

But he couldn’t.

It’s true most live lives of quiet despair … but when it’s mute – that’s when it’s the killer.

So there you go – more absolute shit from me that no one will ever read.

HaHaha fuckityfoofoofuck.

Psssst – I learnt to tie a proper noose, the real shit, a couple of years ago – looked it up on YouTube and everything. For a while I would sleep with it under my pillow – I was that wretched. But it helped. He he he. It really did!

Psst!

Pssssst!

Oi!!!! … I ain’t done yet!

Psssssst! – during that period I came home from work early one day making the excuse that I was sick … Ha Ha ha … I stripped off and went straight into the shower. But then I decided to have myself a little drinkypoo while I was in there. Well shock me, within an hour I had drunk a bottle of vodka straight while all the while sitting under the hot shower . Then I vomited all over myself and staggered over to bed but before that I managed took two zopiclone that the doctor had prescribed me for my insomnia that had began to encroach itself on my life again and don’t remember fuck all after that. When I woke I was lying in the hallway with the noose around my neck and had shat on the carpet. Watcha think of that then kids???!!!! When I party I go ALL OUT.

No one has ever been told that before :))))

Hold it against me and I will spit in your fucking eye.

I have of course lied all of this.

Or have I?

I’m a lovely chap really.

Truly.